This is going to be a hard post to write.
You’ve probably already guessed where this is going.
In fact, you’ve probably guessed where these past few months have been going.
Friends, in the last 6 months, in all of 2013, I have posted less than 40 times on this blog. And I don’t like that. I never like feeling like I am not putting my all into something.
I have to be honest with you, this past year, these past few months, and even these past few weeks have not been easy. There have been and will be major changes happening in my life and suddenly the future that I had planned out for myself; graduate, gap year, university, work in publishing… now looks something like this:
Everything I thought I was sure of, I’m not so sure of anymore. A life in publishing is no longer concrete. Would you even believe me if I told you that it’s looking more likely that I’ll become a spy than live in New York City, working for a Big Six? Just the other day my mother told me that if “they” approach me, she would prefer I say no.
But it’s true. Without getting into specifics (because I like to maintain some semblance of privacy), Canada isn’t my real home. And it’s taken me this long to realize it, but it all starting falling into place this spring, when we took our annual trip to visit my dad’s family. I love Canada but this isn’t where I belong, not anymore. Not in New York, either. My dad flew back for my cousin’s wedding this week and I realized that I have never been to a wedding with my family. That made me very sad. I was home alone and I had a two-minute long conversation with my grandmother who lives almost 10 000 kilometres away from me on the anniversary of my grandfather’s death and when I put the phone down I almost burst into tears.
Every year it gets harder to leave and now it’s getting harder to be here. Lately I feel so dissonant, which isn’t even something people are supposed to feel. And this isn’t what you might expect from your typical teenager planning for the future, but everyday I become more and more convinced that the best thing for me to do once I graduate is to pack up and get back home as fast as I can.
But then. What about publishing?
I don’t know.
I think I will be content, not blogging. Not working in publishing, if it comes to that. Just reading and writing, reading and writing. That’s who I was before this blog and who I will be after. I don’t think anything could ever change that.
Which is why I don’t feel scared about taking this next step. About taking a leap, rather, into the Great Perhaps and seeing if I make it out alive. I will still read. I will still write. Books will still be there. Words will still be there.
Why do I feel like I have to do this? Blogging makes me happy. Don’t I want to continue doing something that makes me happy?
The answer is that blogging only makes me happy when I do it, not when I abandon it and leave it on the side of the road. This year was busy. Next year will be busier. God willing, I will be part of our school’s peer coach program, I will be organizing our school’s film festival, I will be writing and maybe starring in a mock-umentary that is starting to come together now. I want to try out for the school play and I want to get a solo in a piece next year. I want to finish writing the stories that live inside my head. And I have realized that blogging is no longer my priority as it once was.
Which makes me sad, and I am disappointed in myself that I could not keep up with this, that I could not stick to this. I thought briefly about trying to revive the blog during the summer, but what after that? Just leave again when school starts up? Frantically publish Weekly Watchamacallits in an effort to have just one post?
This has been two years of my life, and I have met a lot of people in that time. It would be entirely remiss if I didn’t thank some of them. Grace, Nafiza, Clementine, April, Amy, Lucy, Racquel, Capillya, and anyone else I’ve even exchanged words with over the last two years. Thanks, really, thanks. You have inspired me, been there on my worst days and my best days. You’ve congratulated me on things and commented on my posts even when they were crappy and I feel lucky that I have been able to share on of my greatest passions with amazing people like you.
But it’s not goodbye. Here’s where I’ll be from now on.
- @reutreads – tweets about high school, books, pop culture, and general life stuff. Sometimes intelligent and sometimes keyboard-smashing.
- You can tweet me for my tumblrs; those are where I post
A) quotes and images I adore,
B) exclusively ATLA and LOK (if you don’t understand these acronyms, don’t worry about it)
C) all media-type things, music, movies, television, etc. or
D) my personal writing
- I’ll still be on Goodreads, and since I am probably physically incapable of keeping my mouth shut about books, my “reviews” (probably just a few lines from now on) will go there directly after I finish a book.
I love you and thanks for sticking with me. It’s the end, but it’s not goodbye. I swear.